Classical Conditioning it is!

We all need something to believe in. Something to give us hope, something to pull us up when we are sinking. For some of us its a firm belief in religion. For those of us atheists, its either Mother Nature or just some other force we know exists, but we are not yet sure what to call it. A daring few, believe in the power of demons. Many of us have strong trust in the powers of fate and destiny. Oh and how can we forget the belief in superstitions?

I stepped out of the house to go somewhere. I'm halfway down the stairs when I remembered I forgot my phone. I went running back to the house, only to get a good scolding from my mom. 'You mustn't come back to the house right after you've set out for something. Its a bad omen.' She made sure I sat for a few minutes before I left the house again. This apparently, wards off the bad omen.

There is this other friend who would leave home with a long list of things to do. She would be back having done some of it. It was interesting to listen to how she narrated what a horrible day she just had. One by one she would tell me of all the things that went wrong...at the end of it she would say, 'I know why it was such a bad day, I did not pray in the morning'.

We make associations. Its a human trait. When we've had a bad day, we relate it with all the things we did on the day. We even swear not to do those things again, lest we have another bad day. It is funny though how when we have a bad day and although we have prayed or done all the things that should make it good, we console ourselves saying we did not pray enough or did not do all the good things we ought to have done.

The Behaviourist school of Psychology explains this behaviour of making associations as Classical conditioning. Its perfectly fine to make such associations, we've just got to make sure that they don't become an obsession.

Let us however have more respect for other people's beliefs. If she believes she had a bad day because she did not pray, lets respect her belief. Whatever makes her happy. Lets not try and define other peoples happiness for them. Happiness is subjective. Whatever our belief system is, it really doesn't matter as long as it keeps us happy.

Get over it.

Modesty is a virtue.

She scored really well in her exam. She stepped out of the class room and could not shut up about it. She repeated herself a million times, each time making the story sound slightly different, but the moral being that her professor complemented her intelligence. Some poeple at least get over it in a day. The ones who irritate the most is that lot that goes on about their achievement for days.

You did well, you deserve to be acknowledged. But after you've recieved the acknowledgemnt that you rightly deserve, stop going around publicising your achievemnt; especially with the same group of people who've already acknowledged you. All the happiness and adoration that people genuinely feel for you will vanish into thin air, if you do not stop blowing your trumpet!

When you have it, flaunt it. Yes, very rightly said. In this competitive world there is no place for people who have it but do not flaunt it enough. 'Enough' being the key word here. To get noticed, a certain amount of flaunting is essential. But there is a way of doing it. In fact more than the way of doing it, is the amount of doing it. Too little is usless as you will always go undiscovered but too much is plain annoying. And you can be loathed for it.

Some people can behave in ways that make you wonder if they have a heart. This is that group of people who can't get over their out of the world achievemnt and in order to make themselves feel better, they go about making the poor achievers feel unfortunate. What sort of happiness do such people get from tearing someone else down? Such a blatent display of low self esteem!

Flaunting is an art. And it can be learnt.

To hell with no expectations!

How often have we gone to watch a movie, expecting it to be good and walked out completely depressed? Or gone to a party hoping it would be wonderful but ended up wishing we stayed at home? Or gone to a new place, for a new beginning but it turned out you hate the place? How many times have we joined a course or college, happy we are fulfilling one of our dreams but ended up realizing its everything except what we want?

Many of us are faced with such harsh circumstances. In more serious situations, like some of the latter from above, we end up being stuck in the situation. We cannot get out of it because now that we are in it, we might as well finish what we got into it for.

We have expectations about people and places. When things do not live up to our expectations, we break. We cannot come to terms with it. And these hard times that we are put through, sharpen our pessimistic sides. We see no point in being optimistic about life anymore because the way we see it, almost every time we are positive and expecting only the best, we are let down.

The most simple piece of advice that people will give is to stop expecting. Really? I wish that was possible. It is human to expect that a much talked about movie, restaurant or party is going to blow your mind away. It is human to expect that a well reputed institution will give you everything it promises to. It is human to expect your best friend to tell you when she has a new boyfriend. It is human to expect that your loved ones will be there for you when you need them the most. We cannot stop expecting. In fact, why should we? What is wrong with expecting?

What we should do is to strive hard, within our reach to make sure expectations are lived up to. Now, that is a better piece of advice and definitely more humanly possible.

Its my turn now.

You like some one. Its killing you to tell him that. You think he is kind of giving you the signal too, that he likes you. You're thinking, if he likes you why can't he come up to you and tell you so. Why do you have to be the one to say it first?

Sounds familiar? A very normal thought process that messes with our heads when we are in the courtship phase of a prospective relationship. Gone are those days when a man's chivalry was proved if he was brave enough to ask the woman out. Today we live in a world where men and women are equal. Its not the man's job anymore.

In this context comes the theory of turns. Here's how it works. You like someone. The first stage is the one that involves just the eyes. Its all about the eye contact. You start looking at him. If he is looking back at you and this goes on for a bit, he sure as hell feels something for you too. You gave the first signal here. So if he is really interested now, its his turn to make that obvious. After he does whatever it is, its your turn again. And the giving each other 'signs' thing goes on.

If you think this has to work as a continuous, alternate, your turn-my turn thing, then you've got it all wrong. The point is, you can't be the only one trying to do something to make it work. It has to be two way, and that is how we function. We not-so-generous human beings always want something in return.

Think about it...would you just go on giving 'signs' to someone you like without getting anything in return? Hell no! If you sense disinterest from him, you are bound to stop giving signs eventually. The last thing any of us wants is to look like a desperate fool.

I'm sure I've left you wondering...So whose turn is it now?

Drama, anyday!

It is human nature to crave for the things we do not have and the moment we get them to moan about calling them upon ourselves.

The majority of us love drama. We absolutely love it when things take a dramatic turn in our lives, a little hay wire is only enjoyed more.

Take this conversation for example:
'I'm so bored now, I cannot live with myself. How I wish I did not break up!'
'Oh my,you have no idea what you're saying. He treated you like a door mat. I'm so glad you are out of it.'
'Well yes, but you know, now that I don't have him I'm starting to realise that I liked my life more when he was in it. He gave me shit, but then at least something was happening in my life. He made me cry, we fought... but my life was eventful.'

I could not believe this. Here was a person who just got freedom from a bondage that could have scarred her for life (and maybe already has in tiny ways)sitting next to me, telling me she wants it all back! Seriously? Why in the world would anyone want to get back into something that was full of lame fights and arguments, which at the end of the day made her feel horrible?

Soon enough I realized why. She missed the attention she was showered with. She missed being the reason to mess up some body else's mood and day. She missed having so much control and power over some one else. She missed being such an important part of someone else's life.

People will tell you being single is the most sensible way to be. If yes, then why are all these people in relationships? If it really is so sensible, I say walk out of your relationship. But no. One relationship after the other, they go on and on to have more.

Apart from the fact that as humans we have it in us to love and be loved, we also thoroughly love the drama that enfolds when we are in a relationship. Even if it makes us feel miserable, we would still rather have the drama than not have any of it at all. Please, don't deny this!

Built differently

My friend lost her mother when she was 17. Her mother was ill for a long time. Through this time she says, she did some of the things she had never done before. One of them being that she had to her credit a boyfriend, who she thought, rather foolishly at that point, she was going to get married to.

No one around her could understand her behaviour. They thought her behavoiur was anything, but what was appropriate for the things that were happening in her life. Relatives irritated her to an extent she could not tolerate. They could not believe that she was doing things that they thought made her look like she was 'up to no good', at a time when she should be more sensitive to the happenings in her house.

Wait. Did anyone take a step back to understand why she behaved this way? Did anyone even remotely consider the fact that that was probably her way of dealing with the situation? For everyone else involved in the same situation, spending every second of their lives talking about the happenings may have been their way of dealing with the situation. But it was not hers. So be it. This does not mean she was insensitive. For all you know, she was probably more sensitive and troubled by it than other people. But her way of reacting to it was to go out and make it look like she was fine, and that her life was perfectly normal.

Who are we to judge and point fingers at others for their reactions to things? Some people cry at deaths, some others don't, they just sit with a stoic expression on their face. Does this mean they don't care about the death?

Every one has their own way of reacting to things and situations. I might cry like a baby when I lose my watch and not cry at all when my best friend leaves town for good. This does not make me a bad person. Maybe the reason I don't cry when my friend leaves is because I feel like I will definitely make it a point to meet her again. On the other hand, I might cry about my lost watch because I'm so sure I'm never getting it back.

Before we pass judgements about people's sensitivities and insensitivities we should remind ourselves that each of us is built differently. People might react in ways we think is just cruel because that is how they are built to react.

Peace.

After all, they are People

People, I think form one of the most mind-boggling topics of discussion. Why do people behave the way they do? Understandably so, the nature versus nurture debate is one of my favourites.

In every group that we are a part of there are always some people we get along with, some others with whom we share a superficial relationship, others who we feel are from a different planet and those few who we can never get along with, simply because they are not our type.

As human beings, with our strong instincts of segregation, we always form smaller groups within the big group that we are a part of. Why is it never possible for us to be extremely close to that whole, big group? Smaller groups are formed when we meet those people who are our kind and so we can easily get along with. Or in other words, people of the same wave length as ours.

When talking to another person comes effortlessly, we know that we have met our kind. We then go on to form a group consisting of all those people who are our kind. Once this group is made, everyone else not belonging to our group becomes the 'others'. The others are treated differently from the people of our group. The others are never invited to go out with us for a day of fun. We do not go crying to the others when we need help. We do not keep the others informed about everything in our lives and so on.

We cannot be best friends with everyone now, can we? So these demarcations that we make between our group and the others are acceptable. Here is what is not acceptable: making a face when the other comes to our territory, acting indifferently when the other tries to make friends with us because we are scared she/he is trying to join our group, making a big deal when one person from our group invites one of the others to one of our group plans...and the like.

Why is it so hard for us to accept 'other' people, the moment we form our own groups? Yes, there is what we call a comfort zone that we form with the people we get along with but does that mean that the others should be treated with antagonism?

Treating others with indifference is something that is practiced more passionately among girls. Boys, I've noticed are not so indifferent when it comes to treating the others. For some reason boys are very open to others joining their groups. This explains why we can always find boys who belong to many groups. They have multi identities depending on various groups they are a part of. Girls however are usually, quite distinctly part of one group. This one group defines their identity and mostly, mingling with others is a taboo!

To treat everyone as our own is asking for too much. I guess the least we can do is to make the others feel comfortable when around us by not making them feel like there is a wall dividing them from us. After all, they are people.

Siblings Story

'Yuk I cannot imagine living with boys! They are so messy.', said my friend when I told her I live with my brothers. This friend is one of those girls whose life is pretty much defined by a boy. There is almost never a time in her life when a boy is absent. She is either in a relationship, or having the 'unofficial' going on. It was only natural for me to wonder why would a girl with so much proximity to the male gender pass such a comment.

When I got to know her better my question was answered. She does not have brothers. She has never grown up with a boy.

The siblings you grow up with are strongly responsible for who you are today. Your likes and dislikes are shaped by the people you grow up with. Amusing isn't it? Ever wondered why some girls are so adventurous and love to play pillow fights and have WWE matches on the bed? Why are some others always in want of calmer games involving zero chances of physical hurt? Try getting to know the person better and more often than not, you will find that such girls have grown up with brothers.

I remember this boy from school. He was one of the best looking boys in my class. My friends and I were always engaging in pointless, one way obsession of him. Why pointless, one way? He was so shy and reserved, you would wonder if he ever spoke a word. You go up to him and try to make a conversation with him, and he would shy away so uncomfortably that you feel like killing yourself for causing him discomfort. However this was him, only with the opposite sex. With the boys, he made an excellent friend.

Here is his sibling story- He is the youngest among three. He has two older sisters, many years older to him. When he was in school, his eldest sister was married and even had a kid. The second sister was working at the time. Although he has older sisters, they were too old to have any influence on him whatsoever. You can barely say that he grew up with them. They were more like second and third moms to him. Hence, girls for him are people he interacts with in very formal and respectable ways. He is not used to talking to girls freely, with no inhibitions.

I have noticed that girls with sisters, make friends with other girls more easily than girls who have only brothers. Confiding in another girl comes more easily to a girl who is used to doing it at home with her sister.

Girls who have brothers are usually very free and open in their interactions with boys and vice versa. They can talk and discuss anything with the opposite gender without the slightest feelings of shame and embarrassment. Girls who have grown up with sisters mostly have their reservations and are uptight about discussing many matters.

The puberty stage is handled more easily by boys who have sisters and girls who have brothers. The reason is obvious. You are growing up with someone going through the psychological as well as physical changes of puberty. You are used to it seeing it all at home and hence in the outside world, you have far lesser doubts and are also more understanding of such things.

When it comes to matters of the heart, it is really interesting to see how girls with brothers find their ideal, prince charming in a boy who is like their brother. 'I wish I could find a guy like my brother', now isn't that a line we have heard so often? The same goes for boys with sisters. 'Well, if only you weren't my sister, you would make the perfect girlfriend'.

The Siblings Story goes like this- Your personality is influenced depending on the gender of the siblings you grow up with. If you do not feel your personality is in tune with my above mentioned findings, there could be two reasons for that, either your sibling is too old or too young to have an influence on you, or you are just an exceptional case.