Why you could hate Mumbai

I write this with a heavy heart because what I'm going to talk about here is a matter I've been trying to postpone for a while now. I have tried to avoid writing about it because I'm the kind of person who feels that words have a stronger impact when put down in writing. And once I put all of this down, it's like I've said it out loud and it's out there in the open. It's real.

I moved to Mumbai around 4 years ago and I went from absolutely hating the city to loving it. I was greeted with a bad monsoon season, when I walked home from the station in thigh-deep water. I was introduced to selfishness at a whole new level at the train stations, and just generally everywhere. But soon enough, the city grew on me. As it does on almost everyone. It has this capacity to take you in and transform your extreme feelings of hate into extreme feelings of love.

However, today I see this city, and when I say city remember that I am talking more about the people, in a new light. Older today, having adult responsibilities and changed priorities has led me to feel for this place much differently. I am no longer the young, energetic dreamy-eyed girl who was ready to fight for her day to pan out well, in the way that you have to in Mumbai.

Couple of months back when the parents were in town we ventured out to buy a car. The siblings and I finally felt the need to drive and be able to move about as much as we can on our own. Little did we know what we were in for. I have always felt that Mumbai treats the people who live on rent very badly. Anybody who lives here on rent would know what I'm talking about. So here we are, people who live on rent, out to buy a car. If you live on rent, your leave and licence agreement IS your only address proof. But does that work? No. I have faced this problem even at the time of signing contracts for jobs or when I tried to apply for a driver's licence.

You've been living in the same house for four years, you have a legal leave and licence agreement, an NOC, police-verified registration and everything. But well, these documents do not work. The next document any place asks you for is your light/electricity bill which is obviously not in your name but in your owner's name! So that doesn't work either. You want to buy a car on EMI but the financiers will not approve your loan because they are not convinced about where you live or if you live here at all. And this when you've been living in Mumbai following all the rules, as a legal person on rent for 4 years. You've had your contract renewed at the end of every year legally, you've paid your 'brokerage' legally. Everything is legal.

You are the most unlucky person if you have a terrible owner who doesn't come to support you in such a time. And we were the unluckiest. However, one really well-connected and smart salesman at the car showroom and a few bucks put our two month long misery to an end. Mind you, we tried to do everything the right way. Being brought up in a country where rules are followed with absolute discipline has moulded us into fearfully moral people. But all of that needs to be unlearned if you need to get things done in India. This is the biggest and most unfair lesson I have learnt.

Now the car is here and in comes the 'rent person's' misery again. Where do we park it? Several incidents of scrapes and unnatural dents had convinced me that there was a major conspiracy against us and our new car. How else would you explain the coconut only falling on our car when it is parked at a particular spot on two separate occasions, and it never happening to anyone else from the building parking their car at the same exact spot? This morning's latest incident ascertained my conspiracy theory fully.

The watch man cum man-who-washes-our-cars rang the door bell. I couldn't understand exactly what he was saying but I figured he was talking about our car. I got worried because I thought it was hit. While I was talking to the guy, I hear a woman standing on the platform of the floor below yell - 'Yes he's talking about my car. Did you hit my car while trying to park it'? This was the conversation that followed then:

Me: No why would I do that? What are you talking about?
Lady: Of course I know you wouldn't do that knowingly. No body would hit anyone's car knowingly, I mean unknowingly.
Me: Oh wow, so smart you are. What I mean to say is that it was a difficult parking and we ensured we were extremely careful and I can assure you that we haven't hit your car.
(Realizing she's losing the battle, she suddenly says this)
Lady: There was no place in front of my car for your car to be parked so you PUSHED MY CAR BEHIND and then parked your car.
Me: Pushed your car? How? That's not even technically possible and do I look like I can push your car? And why would I do something that will cause damage to my car?
Lady: Yes you pushed my car to make place for your car.
Me: That doesn't even make sense, please listen to yourself. I have seen a lot of unnatural scrapes and dents happen to my car when it's been parked here and I keep telling my self that if I were the one responsible for doing that to someone else's car, I would definitely come by apologize and let them know. I'm that kind of a person because I know how it feels to have such a thing happen to your car.
(Understanding she was sounding dumb, THIS is what she decides to say, and so late in the conversation)
Lady: I saw it happen yesterday but I just didn't want to come out and fight because it was Lakshmi Pooja. It's an auspicious day for us.
Me: Unbelievable. You saw your car being hit by us and didn't come out and do anything about it? I find that extremely hard to believe.
Lady: Ya, that's my belief system.
Me: What kind of a person sees her car being hit in front of her eyes and does not come out to do something about it? How does it matter what day it is!? If it was me in your place I'd have come running out...
Lady: That's your belief system and the kind of person you are. It's my belief system to not do anything like that on an auspicious day.        
Me: In that case even today is an auspicious day, today is also a Diwali and a holiday for all of us. You couldn't come out last night because it was an auspicious day but you could come this morning which is also a festival day and make a baseless accusation.
Lady: That's my belief. Fine you're saying you haven't done it no..
Me: NEVER did it.
(She walks away)

Typical Indian thing to do, bring in religion and auspiciousness to make accusations and get away with things. People here are selfish. People make false and dumb accusations and defend all the wrong things they do by saying that's how it needs to be done in Mumbai. It's fine to not maintain lanes while driving, it's fine not to wear your seat belts, it's fine to continue to drive even if the signal is red. It's fine to try and squeeze your car/bike/rickshaw into that tiny little space that is just about enough for your car, even if that means you'll cause a huge traffic jam or scrape someone else's car. It's fine not to put on the indicators to show where you're turning, or worse not to pay attention to such an indication rightly put by someone else who cared to do things the right way.

It's fine to treat people who live on rent as outsiders because at the end of the day it's not their own home and they don't have equal rights as those people who own their own homes. It's fine to have dumb and unreasonable rules against expatriates and people who live on rent because they could be criminals. In the meantime, all the criminals, rapists and terrorists are getting away with all that they want to. It's those of us who want to do things the right way that get caught in a mess.

People need to stop justifying the wrong things they do. Here are some pointers:
1. Stop just going with the flow and breaking all the road rules just because that's what everyone does. Have you even tried the disciplined way?
2. Rented people are not living in their homes for free. They pay rent and are under a contractual agreement that is legal and deserves equal treatment. Get over the rigid class system you practice in your head.
3. Bursting fire crackers on the road is wrong. It puts lots of people's lives in danger. So just stop doing it. Fire crackers shouldn't be burst at all but if you still want to, the road is not the place. Pick a more sensible spot.
4. Just throwing things on the road or anywhere and littering is wrong. Put it in your bag or pocket till you can find a suitable place to dispose it.

Things that are wrong, are wrong. Understand and accept it and try to do something about it instead of just going with everything the way they are. If you can't do this, go outside, live in a foreign country, see how expatriates/outsiders/foreigners are treated. See how the local population of the country co-exist and respect their own people and people from outside. See how people drive, respect each other's personal spaces. See how seriously people take keeping their city and country clean and neat. Learn discipline.

You're wondering why I can't just leave the country myself if I feel so much hate right? One, lots of practical and existential reasons force me to live here, in my own country. Two, I don't want to leave just because of all this bad. I want to stay and help make it better. In my own small ways. 

Be a Real Hero

There is nothing heroic or altruistic about making a sacrifice and letting go of something or someone you really, truly love. Stop trying to compare your very normal, timid human existence with that of our brave soldiers fighting day in and out at the border to protect people and keep the country safe. That, is an act of altruism. Not you living in the false belief that you have made a sacrifice, by listening to the people who discouraged and demotivated you to pursue a career where your heart actually still lies; or asked you to leave the woman your heart really pines for just because of factors like caste, religion etc. You have made no sacrifice, you have just let go.

If you have let society and people tell you what is best for you and have complied, you simply are a person with no mind of your own. You have a weak personality and sense of self. You have done no sacrifice that is going to yield some greater, bigger good much later in your life or in your next birth. If you did not have what it takes to fight for what you love, you are no soldier. And no, repeated acts of such sacrifices do not make people want to sympathise with you or make you a braver, more altruistic soldier. In fact you are only proving time and again, how weak a person you are; how inconsistent and unreliable you are.

Have a better story to tell your kids someday. Have a chain of stories of how you fought for the course you wanted to study when everyone else stood against you, how you fought for the career you wanted to pursue when no body supported you, of how you fought for the city you wanted to settle in when everyone else said it was a bad idea, of how you fought for the woman you love without letting go of her and keeping her in your life when the world tried to work against you.

Have such stories of heroism to tell so your kids look up at you like you are a true hero who fought to keep everything you love in your life. Have such stories to tell so your kids look up at you like we look up at the soldiers who fight for us bravely everyday. Every kid loves a superhero and does not want to listen to how you made sacrifices over and over and let go of things dear. That's a boring sob story that no body wants to listen to.
   

Loving through hate and hating through love

I remember all along when I was growing up how my parents would say that the music of our generation was trash. They would compare it to the music of their times and explain how the quality of music, lyrics and everything had deteriorated. I would argue with them saying that the music had only gotten better and that they were just getting old and less open to change.

While I made those arguments back then I also remember making a promise to myself of how I'd never let time get the better of me, how I'd never make such statements to my kids, and instead adapt to and value the new music and all the new kinds of things that might come around in my life. Here I am, only 24 and no kids, and I can already not seem to understand how much of the music that is created today, and enjoyed by the younger people of today, even qualifies as music. Don't even get me started on some of the lyrics.

But no, I'm not going down that road because the truth is that as much as I feel that way, I also feel that there are still some artists that make some beautiful music. Although now it seems like this post is getting into that generation comparison zone, that really was not my intention.

I spent a lot of time on facebook today, after a really long time. I feel so updated about some people's lives all of a sudden, people who I had completely forgotten about. The timeline feature on my profile really took me down memory lane (hence all that generation scribble). It got me thinking of how a lot has changed. There are so many people I was close to at some point in the past who I don't even talk to anymore. How did that happen? People I worked with, who were then such a crucial part of my life, that I have absolutely no news of anymore. Some other people I deliberately cut off because the situation called for it, and so many new additions. I cringed a little bit inside seeing some of the pictures and some of the people I associated myself with. What was I thinking? Certain pictures of certain people made me feel a pinch of regret on so many levels - from downright superficial to unimaginable depth.

This whole facebook awakening might sound really funny and stupid but I was amazed at how it reflected so strongly to me, who I was and who I am now. While on the macro level I could almost see so many things having changed like how the music between generations has changed, on the micro, more individual level, I was struck with nostalgia. I was made to realize how much I've changed as a person, how much I've grown up, how I've done a lot of things I said I'd never do, how I am regretting, very cheerfully however, certain things and how I'm so happy for so many things.  Despite everything I've said, done or promised myself, I love how I've opened myself to all the change that's come my way - in terms of people, places, work, situations, everything.

I'm so curious to see where life takes me and all of us from here.