Why you could hate Mumbai

I write this with a heavy heart because what I'm going to talk about here is a matter I've been trying to postpone for a while now. I have tried to avoid writing about it because I'm the kind of person who feels that words have a stronger impact when put down in writing. And once I put all of this down, it's like I've said it out loud and it's out there in the open. It's real.

I moved to Mumbai around 4 years ago and I went from absolutely hating the city to loving it. I was greeted with a bad monsoon season, when I walked home from the station in thigh-deep water. I was introduced to selfishness at a whole new level at the train stations, and just generally everywhere. But soon enough, the city grew on me. As it does on almost everyone. It has this capacity to take you in and transform your extreme feelings of hate into extreme feelings of love.

However, today I see this city, and when I say city remember that I am talking more about the people, in a new light. Older today, having adult responsibilities and changed priorities has led me to feel for this place much differently. I am no longer the young, energetic dreamy-eyed girl who was ready to fight for her day to pan out well, in the way that you have to in Mumbai.

Couple of months back when the parents were in town we ventured out to buy a car. The siblings and I finally felt the need to drive and be able to move about as much as we can on our own. Little did we know what we were in for. I have always felt that Mumbai treats the people who live on rent very badly. Anybody who lives here on rent would know what I'm talking about. So here we are, people who live on rent, out to buy a car. If you live on rent, your leave and licence agreement IS your only address proof. But does that work? No. I have faced this problem even at the time of signing contracts for jobs or when I tried to apply for a driver's licence.

You've been living in the same house for four years, you have a legal leave and licence agreement, an NOC, police-verified registration and everything. But well, these documents do not work. The next document any place asks you for is your light/electricity bill which is obviously not in your name but in your owner's name! So that doesn't work either. You want to buy a car on EMI but the financiers will not approve your loan because they are not convinced about where you live or if you live here at all. And this when you've been living in Mumbai following all the rules, as a legal person on rent for 4 years. You've had your contract renewed at the end of every year legally, you've paid your 'brokerage' legally. Everything is legal.

You are the most unlucky person if you have a terrible owner who doesn't come to support you in such a time. And we were the unluckiest. However, one really well-connected and smart salesman at the car showroom and a few bucks put our two month long misery to an end. Mind you, we tried to do everything the right way. Being brought up in a country where rules are followed with absolute discipline has moulded us into fearfully moral people. But all of that needs to be unlearned if you need to get things done in India. This is the biggest and most unfair lesson I have learnt.

Now the car is here and in comes the 'rent person's' misery again. Where do we park it? Several incidents of scrapes and unnatural dents had convinced me that there was a major conspiracy against us and our new car. How else would you explain the coconut only falling on our car when it is parked at a particular spot on two separate occasions, and it never happening to anyone else from the building parking their car at the same exact spot? This morning's latest incident ascertained my conspiracy theory fully.

The watch man cum man-who-washes-our-cars rang the door bell. I couldn't understand exactly what he was saying but I figured he was talking about our car. I got worried because I thought it was hit. While I was talking to the guy, I hear a woman standing on the platform of the floor below yell - 'Yes he's talking about my car. Did you hit my car while trying to park it'? This was the conversation that followed then:

Me: No why would I do that? What are you talking about?
Lady: Of course I know you wouldn't do that knowingly. No body would hit anyone's car knowingly, I mean unknowingly.
Me: Oh wow, so smart you are. What I mean to say is that it was a difficult parking and we ensured we were extremely careful and I can assure you that we haven't hit your car.
(Realizing she's losing the battle, she suddenly says this)
Lady: There was no place in front of my car for your car to be parked so you PUSHED MY CAR BEHIND and then parked your car.
Me: Pushed your car? How? That's not even technically possible and do I look like I can push your car? And why would I do something that will cause damage to my car?
Lady: Yes you pushed my car to make place for your car.
Me: That doesn't even make sense, please listen to yourself. I have seen a lot of unnatural scrapes and dents happen to my car when it's been parked here and I keep telling my self that if I were the one responsible for doing that to someone else's car, I would definitely come by apologize and let them know. I'm that kind of a person because I know how it feels to have such a thing happen to your car.
(Understanding she was sounding dumb, THIS is what she decides to say, and so late in the conversation)
Lady: I saw it happen yesterday but I just didn't want to come out and fight because it was Lakshmi Pooja. It's an auspicious day for us.
Me: Unbelievable. You saw your car being hit by us and didn't come out and do anything about it? I find that extremely hard to believe.
Lady: Ya, that's my belief system.
Me: What kind of a person sees her car being hit in front of her eyes and does not come out to do something about it? How does it matter what day it is!? If it was me in your place I'd have come running out...
Lady: That's your belief system and the kind of person you are. It's my belief system to not do anything like that on an auspicious day.        
Me: In that case even today is an auspicious day, today is also a Diwali and a holiday for all of us. You couldn't come out last night because it was an auspicious day but you could come this morning which is also a festival day and make a baseless accusation.
Lady: That's my belief. Fine you're saying you haven't done it no..
Me: NEVER did it.
(She walks away)

Typical Indian thing to do, bring in religion and auspiciousness to make accusations and get away with things. People here are selfish. People make false and dumb accusations and defend all the wrong things they do by saying that's how it needs to be done in Mumbai. It's fine to not maintain lanes while driving, it's fine not to wear your seat belts, it's fine to continue to drive even if the signal is red. It's fine to try and squeeze your car/bike/rickshaw into that tiny little space that is just about enough for your car, even if that means you'll cause a huge traffic jam or scrape someone else's car. It's fine not to put on the indicators to show where you're turning, or worse not to pay attention to such an indication rightly put by someone else who cared to do things the right way.

It's fine to treat people who live on rent as outsiders because at the end of the day it's not their own home and they don't have equal rights as those people who own their own homes. It's fine to have dumb and unreasonable rules against expatriates and people who live on rent because they could be criminals. In the meantime, all the criminals, rapists and terrorists are getting away with all that they want to. It's those of us who want to do things the right way that get caught in a mess.

People need to stop justifying the wrong things they do. Here are some pointers:
1. Stop just going with the flow and breaking all the road rules just because that's what everyone does. Have you even tried the disciplined way?
2. Rented people are not living in their homes for free. They pay rent and are under a contractual agreement that is legal and deserves equal treatment. Get over the rigid class system you practice in your head.
3. Bursting fire crackers on the road is wrong. It puts lots of people's lives in danger. So just stop doing it. Fire crackers shouldn't be burst at all but if you still want to, the road is not the place. Pick a more sensible spot.
4. Just throwing things on the road or anywhere and littering is wrong. Put it in your bag or pocket till you can find a suitable place to dispose it.

Things that are wrong, are wrong. Understand and accept it and try to do something about it instead of just going with everything the way they are. If you can't do this, go outside, live in a foreign country, see how expatriates/outsiders/foreigners are treated. See how the local population of the country co-exist and respect their own people and people from outside. See how people drive, respect each other's personal spaces. See how seriously people take keeping their city and country clean and neat. Learn discipline.

You're wondering why I can't just leave the country myself if I feel so much hate right? One, lots of practical and existential reasons force me to live here, in my own country. Two, I don't want to leave just because of all this bad. I want to stay and help make it better. In my own small ways. 

Be a Real Hero

There is nothing heroic or altruistic about making a sacrifice and letting go of something or someone you really, truly love. Stop trying to compare your very normal, timid human existence with that of our brave soldiers fighting day in and out at the border to protect people and keep the country safe. That, is an act of altruism. Not you living in the false belief that you have made a sacrifice, by listening to the people who discouraged and demotivated you to pursue a career where your heart actually still lies; or asked you to leave the woman your heart really pines for just because of factors like caste, religion etc. You have made no sacrifice, you have just let go.

If you have let society and people tell you what is best for you and have complied, you simply are a person with no mind of your own. You have a weak personality and sense of self. You have done no sacrifice that is going to yield some greater, bigger good much later in your life or in your next birth. If you did not have what it takes to fight for what you love, you are no soldier. And no, repeated acts of such sacrifices do not make people want to sympathise with you or make you a braver, more altruistic soldier. In fact you are only proving time and again, how weak a person you are; how inconsistent and unreliable you are.

Have a better story to tell your kids someday. Have a chain of stories of how you fought for the course you wanted to study when everyone else stood against you, how you fought for the career you wanted to pursue when no body supported you, of how you fought for the city you wanted to settle in when everyone else said it was a bad idea, of how you fought for the woman you love without letting go of her and keeping her in your life when the world tried to work against you.

Have such stories of heroism to tell so your kids look up at you like you are a true hero who fought to keep everything you love in your life. Have such stories to tell so your kids look up at you like we look up at the soldiers who fight for us bravely everyday. Every kid loves a superhero and does not want to listen to how you made sacrifices over and over and let go of things dear. That's a boring sob story that no body wants to listen to.
   

Loving through hate and hating through love

I remember all along when I was growing up how my parents would say that the music of our generation was trash. They would compare it to the music of their times and explain how the quality of music, lyrics and everything had deteriorated. I would argue with them saying that the music had only gotten better and that they were just getting old and less open to change.

While I made those arguments back then I also remember making a promise to myself of how I'd never let time get the better of me, how I'd never make such statements to my kids, and instead adapt to and value the new music and all the new kinds of things that might come around in my life. Here I am, only 24 and no kids, and I can already not seem to understand how much of the music that is created today, and enjoyed by the younger people of today, even qualifies as music. Don't even get me started on some of the lyrics.

But no, I'm not going down that road because the truth is that as much as I feel that way, I also feel that there are still some artists that make some beautiful music. Although now it seems like this post is getting into that generation comparison zone, that really was not my intention.

I spent a lot of time on facebook today, after a really long time. I feel so updated about some people's lives all of a sudden, people who I had completely forgotten about. The timeline feature on my profile really took me down memory lane (hence all that generation scribble). It got me thinking of how a lot has changed. There are so many people I was close to at some point in the past who I don't even talk to anymore. How did that happen? People I worked with, who were then such a crucial part of my life, that I have absolutely no news of anymore. Some other people I deliberately cut off because the situation called for it, and so many new additions. I cringed a little bit inside seeing some of the pictures and some of the people I associated myself with. What was I thinking? Certain pictures of certain people made me feel a pinch of regret on so many levels - from downright superficial to unimaginable depth.

This whole facebook awakening might sound really funny and stupid but I was amazed at how it reflected so strongly to me, who I was and who I am now. While on the macro level I could almost see so many things having changed like how the music between generations has changed, on the micro, more individual level, I was struck with nostalgia. I was made to realize how much I've changed as a person, how much I've grown up, how I've done a lot of things I said I'd never do, how I am regretting, very cheerfully however, certain things and how I'm so happy for so many things.  Despite everything I've said, done or promised myself, I love how I've opened myself to all the change that's come my way - in terms of people, places, work, situations, everything.

I'm so curious to see where life takes me and all of us from here.   

Punish. Right about NOW.

I write this with a heavy heart. It's two days since the girl, victim of the brutal Delhi gang rape died and I'm not completely over it. I am sad that she had to die before she could see something happen to the men who killed her. What saddens me more is that two days after her death, nothing has still been done to them.

I feel helpless at this point because I'm not in a position of authority to do something about the situation. News channels can have numerous debates about the issue, we can continue to protest peacefully, but none of it has really helped yet. Something really extreme needs to be done to the six men who raped and murdered the young girl right about now. This is the only immediate solution to the problem. We the people, the government, etc. etc. can then sit down and make the relevant laws to tackle such a situation that could, God forbid, arise in the future. But for right now, precisely right now, what India and the rest of the world wants is to see the men being punished.

This is the only thing that is going to make us feel secure. This is the only thing that is going to make us women feel like we live in a safe country. This is the only thing that is going to stop more shameless men who are out there, some of whom have the audacity at this sensitive moment, to still rape women and still molest women in buses, to stop. We cannot wait any longer. Right now is the time.   

Delhi was always known to be unsafe for women but thanks to this incident I can only imagine how much harder it's going to be for young girls and women to live life on their own terms from now on. I was in Delhi on holiday during the week this rape happened. My poor NRI parents had sleepless nights till I was back in Mumbai. I cannot imagine then what it must be like for all the girls and women who actually live there. I saw in one of the discussions on a news channel how people were suggesting to employ women guards in buses, trains, outside girls hostels and other such places on a 24*7 basis. While I agree that this could be a step in the right direction I cannot overlook the fact that this could mean the end of good days for the female race in India.

Why must we be curbed from going out and having a good life just because men think they have the right to rape us and get away with it? We must be allowed to live our lives just like men are allowed to live theirs. And for this, since clearly a lot of men out there are chauvinists and do not have a  conscience, we need to see the men of the above mentioned case, that the whole country has taken personally, being punished severely. I suggest chemical castration followed by hanging them. While we will as women do everything we can on our parts to change mind sets of all the men and women we personally know in our lives, we need this to be done to the above murderers so that we have an example of such a case to reassure us.

We need this so that as parents and families impose more and more restrictions on our lives with unreasonable curfews and curb our independence, we can look at them and reassure them that such things will not happen anymore thanks to how the accused of the Delhi gang rape were dealt with. We need this so that we can roam the streets if we wish to with absolute confidence irrespective of what time it is. We need this so that the next time we're in a situation where we feel a man is misbehaving with us, we can remind him of what happened to the men of the Delhi gang rape case. All we are desperately yearning for is an example to reassure us of our right to live a normal life.

While we rant on and on about changing mind sets, what is the solution to deal with men whose mind sets cannot be changed and are out there living as a threat? God knows what made such men this way, their socialization, childhood traumatic experiences, or whatever it may be, I feel horrible for their families. But the fact is that there is definitely a whole lot of them whose minds cannot be changed. Such minds need to be instilled with fear. The thought of their bodies being castrated and then being  made to die a slow, painful death should haunt them every time they even dare to look at the opposite sex with disrespect.   

Doing my little part. Or not.

It was one of those days when the maid didn't come for two days in a row. The result - an overflowing sink and not even a single clean plate to have food on. I was tired after work and yelled at my brothers for not having cleaned the vessels at least today and in walked my cook. Before you write me off as a rich bitch with numerous maids and cooks at her service, let me tell you that in Bombay you don't get one woman to do all the jobs even if you want to pay her more. A cook doesn't clean and a maid doesn't cook.

One brother decided to help me out with the dishes. This was unacceptable to my cook. Seeing my brother doing the dishes she called me aside and told how what I was committing was a serious offense and how from where she comes from, men are never allowed to do the chores. She advised me that my brother is older to me and it was disrespectful on my part to tell him to do the dishes. I of course told her she wasn't living in the real world if that's what she still thinks. I told her that both me and my brother are people and whoever is free and able to do a chore does it irrespective of our gender. I told her to practice the same at her home. She stared at me like I had fired her from her job.

On another day my cook was telling me that she didn't make it to work the previous day because her daughter had come of age and hence she had to be around for her. She went on to tell me that she had to be around to ensure that her daughter didn't touch anybody or anything, and that no body touched her either as that's how a girl is to be treated during the days she has her period. Apparently, her daughter was given a corner to sit in and was not allowed to do anything religious. The opinionated person that I am I told her that her belief was baseless. I reasoned with her saying if God only gave us women a menstrual cycle, why would he consider us dirty during this time? She fiercely answered saying it was all in their books. I told her that her daughter lives in a world where women do not stop themselves from doing anything for any reason whatsoever. She just looked at me, unable to believe my ignorance.  

Whenever my cook sees that I'm free she loves to come up and chat with me. These are just two instances of interesting conversations I've had with her. Although most times I get irritated with how much she has to talk all the time, I also realized that she is my reminder of the dichotomous society I live in. Just when I think people's outlooks have changed and that we live in a world where we are free to express and practice our own rights and ways, sense or nonsense, I'm reminded that there is this group of people who still live unrealistic and senseless lives.

But then I also think to myself, little am I able to change the mindsets of the so called modern parent of today who thinks it's wrong if their child has an inter-religious relationship, how then can I change the mindsets of the not so modern? We have such a long way to go.

Fighter In You

If you really love something fight for it without giving up. The moment you stop fighting, you have given up and you have also seized to love. It's what I live by. It's how I've functioned every day, for 23 years and I have not known any different.

Having said that however it's one thing to be treated like a doormat and another to be a self-respecting fighter. Only you yourself can draw the line between the two. It may seem hard but sooner than later you are able to figure this out. Those of you who have figured out that you're the self respecting fighter read on. The rest of you can leave. Or not because if I've managed to keep you till here you may as well read the rest.

Keep fighting. Yes, keep fighting for your object of affection. You've clearly realized that only in its presence are you truly happy. You have tried a dozen times to end it and make it vanish because you felt like it was breaking your heart little by little, day by day, but the moment you did end it your life stopped. Time stopped. You stopped smiling. Unlike popular belief, the world actually came to an end.

Discouragement is your best friend. Every time you've spoken to a close friend about what you are in and how you feel you've been asked to leave the mess for your own good. But you can't listen and you feel like you're the only one who seems to have the hope. But guess what? You are the only one who needs to have the hope. It's your life. Your hope alone is strong enough to see you through.

Coming back to yourself, you too have days when you lose hope. You feel like you are fighting for a lost cause. You feel you are bigger than it and have full faith in your ability to move on. Self doubt is getting the better of you only to bring you back to feeling even more strongly for what you're feeling.

Don't worry, you are normal. You aren't in what you are because you are blinded by the love. You aren't in what you are because you are too weak a person to get out of it or to move on. You aren't in what you are because you are unaware of the the fact that you can do better or get better. You aren't in what you are because you are unaware of who you are changing into by being in it. You are aware of everything but it is what you want.

And you are a fighter. You are fighting because you know that what you have is what you want. You are fighting because you know that what you might lose by not fighting will be a big loss. You are fighting because you know that what you've found is the best you'll ever have.   

    

Why Rockstar worked…

Maybe it is my job, I don’t know, that I’ve been listening to too much criticism about the film Rockstar (the 2011 Hindi film). I’ve never been a review person coz I’ve always felt that books, movies, etc. etc. should not be reviewed. I guess it’s coz I’m the kind of person who never goes by reviews. I’ll watch a movie that I want to watch irrespective of what anyone has to say about it or how anyone thinks it fares.

But of late, the amount of criticism I’ve been listening to of the film Rockstar has just made me want to write this, because, I loved the movie. The criticisms people hold up against the film are so senseless and insensitive, for what the characters tried to portray and the makers tried to put across. And it annoys me.

Hence, here are some of the criticisms I’ve been hearing of the film along with my arguments to them:

- Jordon’s angst wasn’t justified. He has everything going for him, and no hardships in life. He has no pain and hence no reason to be frustrated and depressed in life.

People who say this clearly haven’t been through struggle. Because if you have you would know that one does not necessarily have to be poor and have absolutely nothing going for him in life to feel pain. You could come from a reasonably well placed family, as we see of Jordon, get to go to college and pursue a degree in something.. and have almost everything going for you and still feel pain and be unsatisfied. The boy wanted to become a rockstar for crying out loud. Haven’t you ever known talented, struggling musicians?

His family wasn’t the most encouraging one, and neither were his friends, for as far as his desire to become a rockstar went. Of course things weren’t going for him then. More reason to be frustrated? Yes.

2.     - He has a girl…and his love life going somewhere.

Seriously, did you not see that he never at any point in the film actually has the girl? He obviously loves her and they have a beautiful relationship with each other. But she was getting married to someone else right from the beginning. He never had her – the love of his life.

3.       - Despite the above, still, no reason to be so frustrated.

The boy got kicked out of his house and ended up having to experience the love of his life get married to someone else in his presence. And then she left the country. Of course, he has enough pain. Isn’t this more than enough for someone to lose his mind…and channel it all into becoming a rockstar with a deep, difficult past?

4.     - The movie was more of a love story than about the journey of a rockstar or vice-versa.

Firstly, if you’re going to blame the name of the film for saying it misled you into thinking it would be about a rockstar’s journey, then that’s being really unfair. Because, gone are those days when the name of the film is exactly about what the movie is. We’re in the world of profound film names that don’t give away what the film is about, aren’t we? And anyway it’s not like the film did not dwell on Jordan’s journey as a rockstar either.  Secondly, if it ended up being more of a love story for you then, why not? Good, if that’s how it worked for you. It still worked right? Thirdly, and this is my view of the film – it was a combination of both, the journey of a rockstar and a love story. And come on, any one of us should understand that these two aspects are supposed to co-exist in life.

If you can have your love life going (or not going) for you while you’re struggling to make it big at your dream job, then why can’t Jordan? Or why can’t Imtiaz Ali then make a film about it? Who compartmentalizes their love life from their work life and other respective lives anyway?

5.      -  The back and forth moving of times zones was confusing.

It was no rocket science honestly, if you concentrated while watching the movie and was absolutely sober you really would not have found it confusing.

The music of Rockstar was beyond brilliant and every song was well embedded in the story of the film. The only thing that really did not work for the film was the actress, Nargis Fakhri. She definitely made it hard to relate to her character. But that apart, the movie is one of a kind. It’s one of those films I will keep in my collection of movies you must own…and so stop criticizing it already!  

Disclaimer: As much as I would have loved it, unfortunately, I have no vested interests whatsoever to fight for Rockstar’s case.