Doing my little part. Or not.

It was one of those days when the maid didn't come for two days in a row. The result - an overflowing sink and not even a single clean plate to have food on. I was tired after work and yelled at my brothers for not having cleaned the vessels at least today and in walked my cook. Before you write me off as a rich bitch with numerous maids and cooks at her service, let me tell you that in Bombay you don't get one woman to do all the jobs even if you want to pay her more. A cook doesn't clean and a maid doesn't cook.

One brother decided to help me out with the dishes. This was unacceptable to my cook. Seeing my brother doing the dishes she called me aside and told how what I was committing was a serious offense and how from where she comes from, men are never allowed to do the chores. She advised me that my brother is older to me and it was disrespectful on my part to tell him to do the dishes. I of course told her she wasn't living in the real world if that's what she still thinks. I told her that both me and my brother are people and whoever is free and able to do a chore does it irrespective of our gender. I told her to practice the same at her home. She stared at me like I had fired her from her job.

On another day my cook was telling me that she didn't make it to work the previous day because her daughter had come of age and hence she had to be around for her. She went on to tell me that she had to be around to ensure that her daughter didn't touch anybody or anything, and that no body touched her either as that's how a girl is to be treated during the days she has her period. Apparently, her daughter was given a corner to sit in and was not allowed to do anything religious. The opinionated person that I am I told her that her belief was baseless. I reasoned with her saying if God only gave us women a menstrual cycle, why would he consider us dirty during this time? She fiercely answered saying it was all in their books. I told her that her daughter lives in a world where women do not stop themselves from doing anything for any reason whatsoever. She just looked at me, unable to believe my ignorance.  

Whenever my cook sees that I'm free she loves to come up and chat with me. These are just two instances of interesting conversations I've had with her. Although most times I get irritated with how much she has to talk all the time, I also realized that she is my reminder of the dichotomous society I live in. Just when I think people's outlooks have changed and that we live in a world where we are free to express and practice our own rights and ways, sense or nonsense, I'm reminded that there is this group of people who still live unrealistic and senseless lives.

But then I also think to myself, little am I able to change the mindsets of the so called modern parent of today who thinks it's wrong if their child has an inter-religious relationship, how then can I change the mindsets of the not so modern? We have such a long way to go.

Fighter In You

If you really love something fight for it without giving up. The moment you stop fighting, you have given up and you have also seized to love. It's what I live by. It's how I've functioned every day, for 23 years and I have not known any different.

Having said that however it's one thing to be treated like a doormat and another to be a self-respecting fighter. Only you yourself can draw the line between the two. It may seem hard but sooner than later you are able to figure this out. Those of you who have figured out that you're the self respecting fighter read on. The rest of you can leave. Or not because if I've managed to keep you till here you may as well read the rest.

Keep fighting. Yes, keep fighting for your object of affection. You've clearly realized that only in its presence are you truly happy. You have tried a dozen times to end it and make it vanish because you felt like it was breaking your heart little by little, day by day, but the moment you did end it your life stopped. Time stopped. You stopped smiling. Unlike popular belief, the world actually came to an end.

Discouragement is your best friend. Every time you've spoken to a close friend about what you are in and how you feel you've been asked to leave the mess for your own good. But you can't listen and you feel like you're the only one who seems to have the hope. But guess what? You are the only one who needs to have the hope. It's your life. Your hope alone is strong enough to see you through.

Coming back to yourself, you too have days when you lose hope. You feel like you are fighting for a lost cause. You feel you are bigger than it and have full faith in your ability to move on. Self doubt is getting the better of you only to bring you back to feeling even more strongly for what you're feeling.

Don't worry, you are normal. You aren't in what you are because you are blinded by the love. You aren't in what you are because you are too weak a person to get out of it or to move on. You aren't in what you are because you are unaware of the the fact that you can do better or get better. You aren't in what you are because you are unaware of who you are changing into by being in it. You are aware of everything but it is what you want.

And you are a fighter. You are fighting because you know that what you have is what you want. You are fighting because you know that what you might lose by not fighting will be a big loss. You are fighting because you know that what you've found is the best you'll ever have.   

    

Why Rockstar worked…

Maybe it is my job, I don’t know, that I’ve been listening to too much criticism about the film Rockstar (the 2011 Hindi film). I’ve never been a review person coz I’ve always felt that books, movies, etc. etc. should not be reviewed. I guess it’s coz I’m the kind of person who never goes by reviews. I’ll watch a movie that I want to watch irrespective of what anyone has to say about it or how anyone thinks it fares.

But of late, the amount of criticism I’ve been listening to of the film Rockstar has just made me want to write this, because, I loved the movie. The criticisms people hold up against the film are so senseless and insensitive, for what the characters tried to portray and the makers tried to put across. And it annoys me.

Hence, here are some of the criticisms I’ve been hearing of the film along with my arguments to them:

- Jordon’s angst wasn’t justified. He has everything going for him, and no hardships in life. He has no pain and hence no reason to be frustrated and depressed in life.

People who say this clearly haven’t been through struggle. Because if you have you would know that one does not necessarily have to be poor and have absolutely nothing going for him in life to feel pain. You could come from a reasonably well placed family, as we see of Jordon, get to go to college and pursue a degree in something.. and have almost everything going for you and still feel pain and be unsatisfied. The boy wanted to become a rockstar for crying out loud. Haven’t you ever known talented, struggling musicians?

His family wasn’t the most encouraging one, and neither were his friends, for as far as his desire to become a rockstar went. Of course things weren’t going for him then. More reason to be frustrated? Yes.

2.     - He has a girl…and his love life going somewhere.

Seriously, did you not see that he never at any point in the film actually has the girl? He obviously loves her and they have a beautiful relationship with each other. But she was getting married to someone else right from the beginning. He never had her – the love of his life.

3.       - Despite the above, still, no reason to be so frustrated.

The boy got kicked out of his house and ended up having to experience the love of his life get married to someone else in his presence. And then she left the country. Of course, he has enough pain. Isn’t this more than enough for someone to lose his mind…and channel it all into becoming a rockstar with a deep, difficult past?

4.     - The movie was more of a love story than about the journey of a rockstar or vice-versa.

Firstly, if you’re going to blame the name of the film for saying it misled you into thinking it would be about a rockstar’s journey, then that’s being really unfair. Because, gone are those days when the name of the film is exactly about what the movie is. We’re in the world of profound film names that don’t give away what the film is about, aren’t we? And anyway it’s not like the film did not dwell on Jordan’s journey as a rockstar either.  Secondly, if it ended up being more of a love story for you then, why not? Good, if that’s how it worked for you. It still worked right? Thirdly, and this is my view of the film – it was a combination of both, the journey of a rockstar and a love story. And come on, any one of us should understand that these two aspects are supposed to co-exist in life.

If you can have your love life going (or not going) for you while you’re struggling to make it big at your dream job, then why can’t Jordan? Or why can’t Imtiaz Ali then make a film about it? Who compartmentalizes their love life from their work life and other respective lives anyway?

5.      -  The back and forth moving of times zones was confusing.

It was no rocket science honestly, if you concentrated while watching the movie and was absolutely sober you really would not have found it confusing.

The music of Rockstar was beyond brilliant and every song was well embedded in the story of the film. The only thing that really did not work for the film was the actress, Nargis Fakhri. She definitely made it hard to relate to her character. But that apart, the movie is one of a kind. It’s one of those films I will keep in my collection of movies you must own…and so stop criticizing it already!  

Disclaimer: As much as I would have loved it, unfortunately, I have no vested interests whatsoever to fight for Rockstar’s case.

Healthy aping

We are always wondering why we find it so hard to be original. We as in Indians. We create something and 9 times out of 10, it is something we've borrowed from the west.

I always knew why at least partially. Having been brought up in a Middle East country for the majority of my life helps me understand India's need to stray away from all that is its own...and to leach upon a fellow country's ideas and, in short, be absolutely not original. Although my life experiences have taught me a lot about India's shortcomings in its work world in the various industries, I'm going to stick to the television industry alone here since that is where I belong; well for now at least.

We have a set-back, anything-goes attitude when it comes to getting anything done. And if there's any way we see of cutting down on the money we will welcome it wholeheartedly irrespective of how it may affect the outcome. My recent sprint with a show that involved its original show format makers (Americans) helping us to recreate it in India, got me to make the following observations:
1) Sense of time - Synonym: Punctuality. On the 7 days of my shoot not once did anyone from the international crew keep us waiting for anything. On the contrary, we kept them waiting when we had to shoot with them, when they asked us to get a prop/costume that they needed to shoot with...heck even when they needed their transport arranged to get them back to the hotel. As for our Indians, this one example is going to prove my point - I went to get the 'face' of our show, a popular Indian cricketer, a bowler of Punjabi origin (I hope I haven't given away who) as he was being unreasonably late to his reality shoot. Our conversation:
H - I'll be out in 5 minutes (this after he was fully ready and had no reason to delay any further)
Me - Why? Do you need something else?
H - Why, coz the sky is so high.
Me - uhh..
H (angry-attitude tone)- You need me right? You want me right? Then just wait.
Me - Of course we need you (while walking out of his van)
I wanted to do nothing less than slap him. Realising his rudeness, few seconds later when he stepped out he said 'sorry if I was rude back there'. I gave him the 'You better be' face.
No person from the international crew, no matter how huge, physically and otherwise spoke to me in that fashion, especially without having a reason to do so. The few times I saw such behaviour from their side were I would have to say when we were guilty and deserved it.
2) Discipline - When we needed someone from the international crew to be somewhere he was always there with absolute discipline. Not once were we sent running around to look for them minutes before their entry onto the stage. Our Indians on the other hand made us do some scary last minute running and fetching.
3) Dignity of labour - The person who was the creator of the show was often found walking around trying to gather people who ought to have been backstage when that was obviously not a part of his job profile. He could jolly well act high and mighty and stay confined to the PCR. But for the way they work, no part of creating their show is a dirty job. Each job is done with the same passion that they feel for the entire show. As for our Indian crew, how often have we heard 'woh mera kam nahi hain'(that's not my job) ? I rest my case.
4) Genuine feelings - Okay this may have sounded a little cheesy for a second but trust me, we lack genuine feelings. The passion with which the international crew worked was infectious. Listening to them often gave me goosebumps coz how much what they're doing meant to them would come through so effortlessly. It is genuine feelings that makes them want to produce a perfect outcome. Genuine feelings is what makes them care about the people in their team as more than just people who work for them. It is genuine feelings that makes them want to stick together and keep doing the same show for years together. It is genuine feelings that don't let them get ahead of themselves and be humble despite the evident success of their show.

There is so much we need to learn from them. There is basically so much we need to learn from a lot of other people before we bask in the glory that we are doing way better now than we used to.

Relativity is only a temporary high. And last I heard, modesty never got anyone into trouble.

It is needless to say that I love India and this was not an effort in thrashing or trashing India. Wanting to slog in Mumbai and make a living out of the Indian television industry, when I have the opportunity to be elsewhere with more money is, I guess, saying enough. This is just an effort to make us open our eyes to how much more there is to learn, and there is to life, for us individually and as a country.

Keep the change... to yourself, please!

Love is not blind. As much as we love the kind of people we have in our lives, as humans, there's always a constant need to change certain things about them. Those things about them that really annoy us. If we want then to change things about people, we are not accepting them for who they are. If we are not accepting them for who they are and it's bothering us so much that we decide we don't want them in our lives anymore, then, love is definitely not blind.

But I have a question-Why do we want people to change for us? What good comes out of making someone who doesn't treat the special days of the year with extreme emotion, to do that...just coz that's how we like it? If it doesn't come naturally to the person wouldn't we be better off not having them do it JUST for us? Hence I ask again, why want someone to change?

When things get rough people talk about how they've changed so much for the person they love and complain about how they've been the only one changing. I often feel that we are so selfish and too full of ourselves to see how much the other person has also changed for us. We do not, in other words, give people enough credit for how much they've changed.

'Change' thus is very dependent on perception and will therefore always be an overrated word. No amount of change that someone makes for us will ever be enough and would only for all we know, at the end, be perceived as no-change. Expecting people to change for us is therefore I think, being unrealistic. Coz as much as how no amount of change is ever enough...no amount of credit we're given for it, if at all, is also ever good enough. How many times have you felt like you've really changed for someone, like moved mountains kind of changed, only to be told - 'what rubbish, you're still the same'?

It is just a lot simpler to not expect people to change. There is greater strength in being able to accept people for who they are...and in living with the ability to ignore some of the stuff that annoy you about them.

And hence, these lines will always be some of the most beautiful lines I'll ever know,
'God, give me the strength to change the things I can
The courage to accept the things I cannot
And the wisdom to know the difference.'

Reaching, only to settle

So now that I have already established my opinion on looks and the importance of superficial appearance to the naked eye, dwelling into the reacher-settler thing is a lot easier.

It's amazing how you had a really long check list of the qualities and features, both physical and otherwise, all along, that made up the 'man' who deserves you. You said 'no' to a fifty (me, being modest) odd boys and men who came along because they lacked that one, absolutely essential feature on the check list.

But then all of a sudden, you grew up, without you even realizing it. Suddenly you are yearning for a man who is anything but what you have wanted all your life. And you can't seem to explain to yourself, why him?; let alone explaining to your closest friends. This man who barely makes it through half of your checklist and is a lot of things you said you can't stand in a man, has you wanting him...more and more by the day. In your head, there's that constant voice telling you, 'you're too good for him'. But you fight the voice and choose to be the settler.

In a weird way, being the settler gives you a strong sense of happiness and pride. You secretly enjoy the fact that you're the better looking one...and the awareness of the fact that you can do better. You've always had it so hard with the supremely good looking bunch...coz the 'good looking+good looking' ego clash got you no where. For once, you feel secure that you are with someone who is reaching for you...and you feel always will.

At the same time, however, you have to try so hard with this man coz he's acting on and off about you. He's telling you 'you're hot' - his sly way of saying, 'why would you want me'? But this draining task of pulling up his self esteem is being embraced by you...and happening well, despite mad moments of you really losing your mind. You're throwing yourself on him WHEN you don't have to. What's worse, you know that you don't have to. Yet...

And if you've been the extremely picky and choosy kind all your life, then you will not be spared when you finally, out of accident or otherwise, show him to your friends. "This was what you preserved yourself for? His nose isn't even sharp!"

Don't's

What you mustn’t do..

1.Complain and grumble about the traffic jam.
Traffic situations exist, get used to it already. Stop questioning aloud why no body is doing anything about it. If you can’t do something about it shut up and suffer in silence. Also set out early if that’s what it takes instead of acting like it’s your first day in the city.

2.Let drivers get away with the ‘there’s too much traffic hence we won’t go there’ excuse.
If they drive in a city like Mumbai they should know by now that there is traffic everywhere. If they don’t want to do their job they should sit at home quietly instead of hindering others who want to do theirs.

3.Say “Oh you get that in India?”
You get everything in India. If you don’t know that you are plain ignorant and haven’t been to India in a long time. And if you haven’t, do you really think you deserve to pass comments?

4.Say things like “Indian girls are so hairy.”
Because so are the Indian men. And no, we don’t love that either. And so are foreign/white/Caucasian women. Many white women have hair which they don’t even get removed because they think it’s of the same colour as their skin. But of course you pretentious Indian men choose to ignore that just because…I don’t know, they are white?! So vain.

5.Start off with something and then say “Oh no I don’t think I must tell you rest” or say “I’m in shit but I don’t want to tell you about it.”
If you started off, have the courage to finish it right up till the end. If you don’t have the courage, why start at all? What kind of sadistic pleasure do you get teasing a story and leaving the other person bursting with curiosity to know the rest? Oh wait. You want the other person to beg? Get a life dude.
If you are in shit and want help, talk about the shit you are in so that you can be helped, rather than giving a one-liner and expecting people to understand what you’re going through by leaving them to go crazy with assumptions in their head. Two words for you – Drama. Queen.

6.Ask people to remind you about a gift you have to give them.
Why wouldn’t you remember yourself if you have to give someone a gift? You’re putting the other person through such a hard time by asking him/her to remind you about it. If the other person is important enough to you wouldn’t you remember to give the gift yourself? Or are you lying about having a gift at all? Oh then you mustn’t coz just so you know, the other person’s life will go on perfectly fine without your gift. You lying about it? That’s what’s causing the problem.

7.Lie that you will be going with someone to someplace only coz you’re scared that by telling the truth - that you don’t want to go, you will offend him/her.
In such instances it is really better to say the truth than stand someone up. Promising to be there and then not showing up is way more offensive than just saying the truth at the start.

8.Say you’re behaving the way you are (moody, cranky, annoying) because it is ‘that’ time of the month.
Come on (women), let’s stop taking advantage of the fact that we always have this excuse and the boys don’t have one such universal, constant shield to defend them. It’s so passé.

9.Get angry and unforgivable on someone’s ass just coz he/she forgot your birthday.
Not everyone has a good memory. Not everyone is good with numbers. And you sure as hell know that forgetting your birthday in no way means that he/she does not love you anymore. So why make such a big deal? It’s not the end of the world.

10.Force people to follow/like your status/picture/profile/blog/life..you get the drift.
It is okay to tell/inform people about such things but forcing them to like it is simply annoying. Shouldn’t the person feel like following/liking/loving your whatever it is because they really feel like, from within? How does such an enforced act make you feel happy anyway?

11.Say you will do things that you can’t or know you’re not going to do.
Get over yourself. The world will still go on if you can’t/don’t do something. Just accept it and be honest about it rather than letting people rely on you for a bit only to make them hate you later. If you can’t do something say you can’t, you will still be treated like a human and life will still go on, for you and for everybody.

Finally, it is okay to preach what you don’t do. What’s the harm in that, if it nonetheless manages to provoke thoughts and change lives? After all, the world is filled with such people. Wait, don’t take that seriously, I was obviously kidding.

Happy New Year!